This is my first post on here, and it is also a very difficult one to write.
For years, I said no to God. I did all I could to create my own idea of where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be. Needless to say, it did not go very well. Instead of finding joy, I was only greeted by pain, heartache, turmoil, and strife in my striving to create the life I believed God was calling me to, only never really listening to Him at all.
Now I find myself at a very different crossroad. I’m at the point where I have said yes. So may times we think saying yes opens up doors and flood gates, and the immeasurable blessings we hope for come pouring out until we are swimming in them. I’ve said yes. I’m saying yes. And now that I’m listening intently…the word I’m hearing….is “wait.”
I’ve never been the person to step out. Growing up, I was always the kid afraid to walk down the street to knock on the door and ask people to play. I’ve always stayed in the background, because I felt that is where I belonged. The truth is, being in the background is where I found my comfort, and it was easier to be the guy no one really had to rely on. On paper this sounds great. No accountability, no responsibility, no real consequences. But what you don’t realize is when you are in the back, it’s so easy to be swept under. And I’ve dealt with that very fact for a very long time. Losing who you are to who you don’t want to be, and God allowed me to move through some very low valleys to get to a place of being with Him the way I need to be.
Now…I feel as though I’m at that place. The place where I want to step out and put my feet on the waves, and jump off the edge, and walk to the ends of the earth. There is a desire birthed in me deeper and stronger than anything I’ve felt in my life. I’ve said yes. I’m saying yes. what I’m struggling with now is God telling me to wait.
There are many people in my life who are moving on to amazing things. Opportunities for missions. Great works in their personal lives. Calls to new places and countries. I see these things and rejoice for and with them, and at the same time…I can’t help but feel stuck. I know God has called my life and has spoken over my heart, but my eyes and hands are free while my feet are stuck in cement, and God is holding the sledge hammer just over them, not yet breaking it to let me move. The bible says “those who wait upon the LORD will renew their strength. They will rise up on wings like eagles. The will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”-Isaiah 40:31. I don’t think I quite understood what this passage meant until now. It’s as if God is taking this time, as I see others moving, to draw me into a deeper love and relationship with him , so when the time comes, and he swings the hammer, my feet will run forward toward the goal He has set out for me.
It is just so hard to do. As humans, we want something tangible. Something we can grab onto, see with our own eyes, hold tight in our hands, and have complete control over. What’s scary is God’s calling is none of those things. We can’t see it, we can’t grab it, we can’t have control over it. We can either respond to it and follow where He leads, or say no, and let it fall by the wayside. What we don’t realize, is sometimes saying yes means we will still have to wait. It is not fun. It is hard, it can be disappointing, and it can, at times, be more painful than we can know. But we MUST hold to the truth that God does have it all worked out. I MUST hold onto that, even when I can’t see it.
Walking by faith is not an easy thing to do. It is something I don’t believe we will ever fully understand. And yet…it is what Christ compels us and commands us to do. To trust when it doesn’t make sense. To hold on when our hands are bleeding and broken, and to let go when He gives us the okay to. It is rarely at a moment of our choosing, but always in accordance with His perfect will.
As I type this, I’ve gone through the myriad of emotions. Pain, regret, acceptance, sobbing, laughing, singing, and all in the span of one post. Do I believe God will call and not finish the plan…absolutely not. That has not been, nor will it ever be the case. I believe God has a plan for my life far beyond what my feeble, fragile mind can know. It’s just very tough to walk this out. So I’m waiting. But while I’m waiting, I’m not sitting on my hands, and letting the world pass. I believe that while God has not yet given my feet permission to move, he has tasked my hands and heart, and has given me a burden.
I’m not happy just sitting behind. I’m not the timid child anymore, afraid to walk down the street. I’m being made into a man He can use, and who He can, and will fulfill His purpose through. I need to lay my heart fully and completely before Him, exposing all of the junk and the dirt that has prevented me from coming to His throne, and fall flat on my face at His feet and realize that, if I have to wait…this is the place I want to wait.
I am challenged. I am called. I am alive.